Part of the reason why I sometimes am too lazy to get my ass over to the wordpress site and do an actual blog is because I am scared of my feelings because my feelings make me vulnerable. I wish it weren’t so. But it’s true – I still don’t like being all that vulnerable. So I tend to hide my feelings under a mask of humor and dorkiness. It helps with my coping. So these past few months, if you asked what I’ve figured out in life, my answer would be the following:
- I learned that my arrogance in overestimating my ability to withstand the hardcore chemotherapy drugs has legitimately FAILED me this time. The dose is high enough for me to make love with the toilet in the night, with me heaving my day’s worth of food in there.
- I have the sexiest scar in the middle of my head. I mean, it’s like a little baby’s soft spot where every man is too scared to touch.
- I have also learned that women who have bald heads in society are often frowned upon, and questioned as to whether or not if they have a disease. Now, I know that I do have a disease, but what about those women who feel empowered enough to shave their heads? Is our male dominant society going to call those women out and condemn their appearance simply because they do not look like society’s “norm” of a woman? Oh, suck my balls. I can’t go into this.
- I am a lazy ass. And I need to do something about it. Because I have an evening job and I try to study in the morning for my MCAT (ha ha), I sleep like a pig until almost noon, in which my mom knocks on my door and tells me to get up because she thinks I’m dead or something.
- I have decided to live life as fearlessly as I can. Having been a person who’s been basically scared of failure from birth, I don’t believe I quite understand this life statement quite yet, because I still walk out of the house with anxiety and fear. Fear of rejection, fear of dying alone with seven stupid cats, fear of what he’ll think of me, fear that I’m not pretty enough, and of course, the big one: fear of my cancer (you effing bitch).
- I’m pretty sure that I’m one of the hottest chicks around, because a) I conquered brain cancer (did I mention that?) and b) I’m not letting (or trying not to) this stop me from living my life. I laugh like a dork everyday at the most trivial things and I also think that my mouth can go quite unfiltered at times. I’m also striving to find my confidence to be more vulnerable because I know that I will never connect with people on a level if I don’t let myself be. I’m sometimes afraid of me when all I really should do is just be me – the biggest privilege in life is to be who you are.
Anyway, I’ll stop with my lists. The lists help me compose my thoughts without rambling on and on in my post. So, I want to show you guys the latest change I’ve done with my appearance…. I dyed my hair!
It’s ombre… fancy word for having the gradient effect of light to dark at the roots. Yeah, I look pretty hot, I know. Stop, just stop with the comments already te he he – no really. The photo doesn’t do the color justice – it looks way better in real life. Also, those two zits are gone now, too. But please, avert your eyes from the zits and look at the hair and my abnormally non-squinty Asian eyes.
While there is still a bald patch of where my treatment area was, thankfully, – another blessing – I am able to use black eye shadow to cover it up, and not only do I look presentable to society, I feel pretty.
It’s so crazy, to think what I had done to deserve:
a) cancer; and
b) the smooth road/journey while going through treatment and hopefully recovering from it.
Like seriously, I am so blessed to be this walking miracle. I have my freaking hair (almost) back, and I even dyed it for the summer. It’s redundant, but I know that many people who are walking my path are not as fortunate. Hence, I definitely need to be infinitely more thankful and perceptive of my life. I think I have God or some sort of guardian angel on my side. I’m lucky. Some days I feel guilty for not being aware of my luckiness, and I feel guilty for being sad instead of happy (because of my firm belief that everyday is a gift), but I also have to remind myself that I am still human and that I’m allowed to feel sad and have feelings of grief still.
My one year anniversary is coming up.. It’s scary how time flies so fast, so I better get my ass up and start doing better at life. I’ve also registered for all my classes in September because I’m going back. This will be such a big step.