I’m a terrible blogger…

Part of the reason why I sometimes am too lazy to get my ass over to the wordpress site and do an actual blog is because I am scared of my feelings because my feelings make me vulnerable. I wish it weren’t so. But it’s true – I still don’t like being all that vulnerable. So I tend to hide my feelings under a mask of humor and dorkiness. It helps with my coping. So these past few months, if you asked what I’ve figured out in life, my answer would be the following:

1. I learned that my arrogance in overestimating my ability to withstand the hardcore chemotherapy drugs has legitimately FAILED me this time. The dose is high enough for me to make love with the toilet in the night, with me heaving my day’s worth of food in there.
2. I have the sexiest scar in the middle of my head. I mean, it’s like a little baby’s soft spot where every man is too scared to touch.
3. I have also learned that women who have bald heads in society are often frowned upon, and questioned as to whether or not if they have a disease. Now, I know that I do have a disease, but what about those women who feel empowered enough to shave  their heads? Is our male dominant society going to call those women out and condemn their appearance simply because they do not look like society’s “norm” of a woman? Oh, suck my balls. I can’t go into this.
4. I am a lazy ass. And I need to do something about it. Because I have an evening job and I try to study in the morning for my MCAT (ha ha), I sleep like a pig until almost noon, in which my mom knocks on my door and tells me to get up because she thinks I’m dead or something.
5. I have decided to live life as fearlessly as I can. Having been a person who’s been basically scared of failure from birth, I don’t believe I quite understand this life statement quite yet, because I still walk out of the house with anxiety and fear. Fear of rejection, fear of dying alone with seven stupid cats, fear of what he’ll think of me, fear that I’m not pretty enough, and of course, the big one: fear of my cancer (you effing bitch).
6. I’m pretty sure that I’m one of the hottest chicks around, because a) I conquered brain cancer (did I mention that?) and b) I’m not letting (or trying not to) this stop me from living my life. I laugh like a dork everyday at the most trivial things and I also think that my mouth can go quite unfiltered at times. I’m also striving to find my confidence to be more vulnerable because I know that I will never connect with people on a level if I don’t let myself be. I’m sometimes afraid of me when all I really should do is just be me – the biggest privilege in life is to be who you are.

Anyway, I’ll stop with my lists. The lists help me compose my thoughts without rambling on and on in my post. So, I want to show you guys the latest change I’ve done with my appearance…. I dyed my hair!

It’s ombre… fancy word for having the gradient effect of light to dark at the roots. Yeah, I look pretty hot, I know. Stop, just stop with the comments already te he he – no really. The photo doesn’t do the color justice – it looks way better in real life. Also, those two zits are gone now, too. But please, avert your eyes from the zits and look at the hair and my abnormally non-squinty Asian eyes.

While there is still a bald patch of where my treatment area was, thankfully, – another blessing – I am able to use black eye shadow to cover it up, and not only do I look presentable to society, I feel pretty.

It’s so crazy, to think what I had done to deserve:

a) cancer; and

b) the smooth road/journey while going through treatment and hopefully recovering from it.

Like seriously, I am so blessed to be this walking miracle. I have my freaking hair (almost) back, and I even dyed it for the summer. It’s redundant, but I know that many people who are walking my path are not as fortunate. Hence, I definitely need to be infinitely more thankful and perceptive of my life. I think I have God or some sort of guardian angel on my side. I’m lucky. Some days I feel guilty for not being aware of my luckiness, and I feel guilty for being sad instead of happy (because of my firm belief that everyday is a gift), but I also have to remind myself that I am still human and that I’m allowed to feel sad and have feelings of grief still.

My one year anniversary is coming up.. It’s scary how time flies so fast, so I better get my ass up and start doing better at life. I’ve also registered for all my classes in September because I’m going back. This will be such a big step.

I don’t need a parachute…?

Happy New Year everybody! As you can see, the apocalypse is most definitely not upon us and we are still ALL ALIVE!

I hope all of you had a nice Christmas and New Years holiday… It all went by so fast! My holiday was spent sometimes working, but the biggest treat was definitely having my brother home. As soon as he was home, I called in sick at work (I was!) and spent the day with him seeing the movie The Hobbit, which was absolutely amazing. I didn’t realize I would be so happy having him home, but I was. He makes everything better because he’s the best at making me laugh my ass off like an idiot. I am grateful for him, despite our ups and downs of physical and verbal fights when we were younger (oh the joys of sibling love).

So, 2013… I hope what you have in store for me will be good. Last year was just downright terrifying, tragic, sad, and bipolar for me. So here’s what I’m hoping for this year:

• Strengthen my relationship with God
• Ace my MCAT in April
• See some parts of the world and volunteer in Tanzania with a bestie of mine.
• Live everyday with gratitude and a smile
• Follow a better and healthier lifestyle
• Meditate more
• Be more zen
• Go back to school to tackle my immunology degree
• Pray more
• Have a better relationship with my mom

My family has been giving me a lot of grief lately, particularly my mom. Asian families are not known for their affection towards their significant others or their children, so I grew up being okay with not talking about my feelings much. As a result, I’ve had to keep it together for my family. I don’t ever let them see me broken down because for me, it’s uncomfortable.

I was reading a cancer magazine the last time I was in for my check-up and it was talking about the psychological trauma of what a life threatening disease, like cancer, can do to a person. It says it takes about an average of 2 years for a person to fully recover back to “normal,” whatever the hell normal is. My piano teacher wasn’t joking that it takes a long time to be okay again (whose had to go through sickness herself). I’m not going to lie, these past couple of months have still been terrifying for me and my body. The MRI’s every two months are freaking not fun because they stick you in a tube that clangs and clings, in which I swear that’s enough to give me a seizure itself. Plus, knowing that MRI’s are probably going to be a part of the rest of my life is even more terrifying in itself.

While I have chosen a life of hope, it doesn’t mean that I don’t spend days thinking what would happen if my life ends. Dreadful, right? Here, I will leave off with Candy Chang’s Before I die I want to…

Before I die, I want to live knowing that I’ve made a difference – no matter how small – in the world.

What’s under da hood, bro?

I’m a very private person. I don’t let the world know everything about my life and I certainly won’t randomly just announce to a group of people whom I’ve just met why I’m wearing a covering over my head. This is very ironic because I run a public blog, but since this blog isn’t that popular, I’m not too worried about people in my imminent circle running onto it online.

That’s beside the point.

Today, I want to address the issue of something that’s been bothering me for a couple of days, though it is very petty and I shouldn’t make a big deal out of it in the whole scheme of things. The issue concerns my hair.

I used to have gorgeous, long, flowy, Asian, soft hair. I was proud of my locks. I kept them long and luscious – my hair is one of my best assets (in my opinion), along with my eyes (okay, now I’m getting a bit vain, but when I look into the mirror, I see a beast these days, so you must bear with me while I still have something about my appearance to gush over).

I swear I’m not vain. In fact, I truly believe that true beauty is something that comes from within, and I stand by Elisabeth-Ross’s quote that beautiful people are not made. However, I would much rather fuss over a funny issue of hair rather than contemplating bipolar death thoughts.

Why am I writing again? Oh yes, the issue is that people at Walmart are starting to notice why I always wear a head covering, and they’re wondering what’s wrong with me, and it’s been bugging me. Instead of asking me why I’m mysteriously under a hood, they’ve been going through my coworker to see if she knows. My coworker, who’s so sweet, bluntly told them to mind their own business. As a result,  I’m going to take advantage of this post to make a list of rhetorical things to say in response to  “what’s hiding under my hood,” because I don’t want to tell anyone about my situation. I hope that you will be as enlightened as I am.

Why I’ve got a hood on

1. I’m a hippie and I’ve got rights to make myself be known.
2. I’m secretly Medusa and if I take off my hood you’ll turn to stone.
3. I’ve got a second head.
4. My twin brother’s head is hiding under there.
5. I’m missing a quarter of my head.
6. I drunkenly shaved off half of my head’s worth of hair.
7. Voldemort’s on the other side
8. My head’s a satellite and so my head coverings are duped with things that help prevent my head from interfering with radiowaves.
9. I’ve got a third ear.
10. I’ve got a third eye.
11. My second mouth will not shut up, so I have to keep it covered.
12. I like to keep my head a virgin until the time is right.
13. I’m growing a second brain.

Those are fabulous excuses, right? Which one’s your favorite? Mine’s the Voldemort one Yes, I know I’m weird.

In all seriousness, I know that some of you are wondering why I’m so secretive about my condition. I’m going to be honest here: I’m simply not ready to disclose this part of me that has changed my life forever to anyone I meet. I feel as though even though my disease is my strength, it’s also my weakness; If I tell someone what I have, I will be vulnerable because they will know all the fears associated with it. And, you know me – I’m still working on being comfortable with vulnerability.

In other words, I’m protective of me – this has changed me. I’m not the same person I used to be and I treasure myself to the point that I know I need to nourish and better myself first before I start disclosing who I am to acquaintances. I’m still figuring myself out and I unravel a part of me everyday.  The biggest thing I’ve discovered is how strong of a person I am. I’m really proud of who I am becoming and I look forward to what I will do with my life in order to do my part in making the world a better place.  While there are some days that are worst than others, I dominantly perceive this predicament as something will ultimately make me a better person.

 

Favorite Quotes: Beautiful People

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”

-Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

An overanalysis of myself

Suck it cancer! I’m going to kill you with happiness!

It never ceases to amaze me how fast a year can fly by. It’s scary too, because you don’t want to wake up one day and realize all the years that have actually passed you by. I’ve been thinking the other day, as I do a lot of thinking about life now, that what if I had not been diagnosed with cancer? What if I never had this disease? You know, there are no “what if’s” in life – you simply just can’t live with regrets or it will eat you alive. I didn’t value this prior to my disease because I was the anal perfectionist – if I made a mistake, I would beat myself up for it.

Which leads me to my next point of the cause of my cancer. I’m a scientist, so I will always, always, search for the reason why things happen. I was at the clinic for a follow up with my oncologist, and what was seriously bugging me that particular day was “why”? (side note: I was disappointed with myself for still having to ask that), and so I asked this oncologist why did this happen? I had my own theories and so I told him (all of which pointed the fault at myself, such as stress, not taking care of my well-being, etc.). He said that those could be factors, as well as environmental factors too. Bottom line is, he doesn’t know, and we’ll never know. I had to stop beating myself up for it – I mean, it’s been months. I think I’ve started to accept it with grace because I do feel more peaceful with the way my life is going. I have a job that I am grateful for, and I look forward to going to everyday because it’s an outlet for my OCD.That’s a bit funny for a job at Walmart, don’t ya think? Hehe

With that being said, I do want to share with you my outlook on life now. I think it’s definitely healthier than the way I was previously spending my life. My aspiration of becoming a doctor has never been stronger. I’m on a mission because now I understand what I need, and want to do: I want to do something about brain tumors. I strongly believe that we need to further research and to raise more awareness about this type of cancer. I want to see a day where the prognosis for brain cancers are just as good as breast cancer. This is an issue that everyone should care about because it affects so many people whose lives are just getting started; it’s not like other common cancers. And once my year of treatment is over, I’m going to start doing something about it. This cause is something that I will spend the rest of my life fighting for.

I think that my dream of becoming a physician is the ammunition that is keeping me alive and happy right now. It’s also driving me to live my life as best I can and accept all my flaws and mistakes. I still strive towards perfection but I try to not beat myself up for being imperfect. One thing that I’m working on is allowing myself to be vulnerable towards the people I love. It almost seems impossible for me to because I don’t let my parents in on my doctors appointments or anything else – all they know is that I have cancer in my brain. I know that my dad once asked for the official report so that he can give it to someone to translate for him, but I conveniently never got the chance to. I think one thing about me is that I spend a majority of my life protecting my parents from knowing the types of things that hurt me. For instance, I went through middle school bullying alone and I’ve never told them (hell, they’ve never even heard of the incident). I guess I feared that I would be a disappointment to them, because I didn’t know how to handle myself with kids that were mean.

If someone asked me if I could go back and change the way I was as a kid, I would say no, because those wounds healed as battle scars and made me the person I am today. Consequently, it has made me very coy and reserved with many people whom are close to me. I hate being vulnerable, and I probably don’t know how to either. My middle school years got so bad that I once contemplated suicide – scary for a 12 year old, right? Despite how hard it was for me, I do not lay all the blame to the kids who did it because there was fault at my end too for, I was a brat. So ever since that rough patch, I’ve always kept to myself and been a very quiet individual. I would much rather have the punches thrown at me than someone else because I’m used to taking all the burden so that my parents can live blissfully, remaining ignorant of their child’s struggles. In other words, I’m pretty good at hiding my flaws (different from being a good liar – I laugh and I also turn red when I lie! )You might ask why would I ever want to do that, especially from a 12 year old?

I don’t want to sound like an ungrateful bitch because my parents have given everything they had for me. I love my mom from the bottom of my heart, but her way of loving me was different than from the western style of parenting. Growing up, she was never the person that I would go to to talk with about my issues. The one thing she has known to do was overprotect me from all elements of life – partying, drinking, etc. So a bit different. It just felt like when I did talk to her, she couldn’t handle the fact that her child was not perfect, that I was struggling and a disappointment in life (maybe that’s where my need for perfection comes in?). I absolutely hated the fact that I couldn’t meet her standards as a “child with no issues.” Now that I think about it, it’s kind of sad. It would have been nice to have an honest relationship with my mother, rather than a pretentious one. We have a a relationship where we get along, but if I need emotional support -including my cancer issues – I’d much rather go to my friends… or my shrink (yes, I have a shrink now). To this day, I’ve never told her any of my fears or my uncertainties, or why “in the world I would ever want to go to remote places to do charity work.”

Now that I have a disease, it seems like she has to accept the fact that her daughter is imperfect.

This is just an overanalysis of my life.. You know, that’s what you do when you’re sick and your life turns upside down.

What’s interesting is I feel as though up until recently, I’ve been living my life passively. The only meaning I got out of it was my grades in university that validated myself as a “bright individual.” If I were in school right now, I’d set my standards a bit lower just to allow myself to breathe. The thought that I have been pondering is, “what if I didn’t have this disease?”

Well, what if I didn’t? I’d be the same old me always bitching about inconsequential things and thinking everyday is a bad day if the sun didn’t shine (yep – I was kind of a drama queen). Now, I would’ve told the old me to, “shut the eff up because you are healthy, alive and you have the opportunity to learn.”

My life didn’t end when the doctor told me I had cancer – it’s only just beginning.

P.S., I think I have 3 little hairs growing! (I lost a lot of hair from my treatment).

 

I’m still a mess of things

I’m pretty inconsistent with posting as you can see. But I’m okay so far. And I hope today to be a funny post because I’m a pretty funny dork (I think) who trips on things way too much because of my crooked legs. Actually, my crooked legs are the reason why my gait is funny, and hence, my clumsiness. Great, now that I’ve said that, the entire world who knows me is going to watch how I walk. YES, I KNOW I WILL NOT BE DOING THE CATWALK ANYTIME SOON!

I hate going to the cancer centre to see my chemo doctor. They’re always too… professional and serious! Lighten up a bit! I’m a funny girl who could use a laugh when coming into your dreadful office. What I wouldn’t  give to tell one of my doctors, “yo, man. Smile more! It suits your stache!” I mean, if you’re going to view all your patients as hopeless, then I don’t understand why the hell you’re a doctor. Isn’t your job to HEAL, and not to depress patients? Geez. Well, that’s my rant of the day.

I’ve started on my double dosed of chemo – the highest the nurse has ever seen on anyone. And guess what? I’M THE BOMB! No effects of nausea whatsoever. So, yes, I’m thankful for that. But it could also be the the anti-nausea medication. However, I’m not complaining. Before we move further into my latest thoughts in life – which, in my opinion, haven’t changed much – I’d like to proudly announce I GOT A  JOB! AT WALMART! YAY ME! I should have “Walmart” stamped across my forehead now because ever since I was a little girl I’ve dreamed of working at Walmart. Seriously. Just for fun. Well, now that I’ve got somewhat a steady source of income (still only a temporary associate for now), I am counting towards traveling by next summer with my awesome friends.
Also, I’d like to formally introduce myself to y’all because Chide is not my real name, but one that I prefer to use online to disguise my anonymity just to throw off people in my life. But since basically the entire  community knows why I’m randomly not in school for this year, I might as well be frank about my situation from now on. I mean, I’m basically going through something that most people in their lives would never have to, so I can handle being vulnerable for once in my life. My name is Sharon, and I like to take pictures of things with my iPhone. You may follow me on instagram here: http://instagram.com/sweetchider . As you can see, I’m a pretty normal girl who looks just awesomely happy and smiley all the time. I think it freaks people out or something. Alright, now on with the shrinkage.

How have I been feeling? Oh, how have I not been feeling should be the question. I’ve been having a rush of all of these emotions that I can’t describe. Sometimes I feel so sad that it’s to the point of hopelessness, despite the fact that I’m aware that I have a lot to hope for. I also know that I’m in deep need of some type of spiritual counseling or something, so I have to get on that too. People assume that I’m going to be okay, that I’m going to fly through this chapter of my life because I look “pretty good.” Sure, that’s what I hope for too, and I hope that those people will continue be strong and hoping for me when I feel like I’m about to crash and burn (done that many times before). I need cheerleaders in my life, not the depressing type like my oncologist. How else am I going to get through this?

Now that I have more of a routine my life as a result of a job, getting out of bed everyday is way easier. However, there are still those odd days where I can’t seem to get out of bed, and that means I don’t shower for the rest of the day. I never knew I could stoop this low before – I used to shower religiously. It was against the laws of nature otherwise. But let’s not make this post about my showering habits… that would be weird and boring, and I’m already weird and boring as is. Ha! Oxymoron!

Today is one of those confusing days of where my head is full of just contradicting emotions and thoughts. I still have trouble coming to terms that my future is uncertain, just like anyone else’s – there are no guarantees in life. But I also know that my future is even more uncertain than your Average Joe. For someone who is such a control freak like me, it’s a bit hard to handle! I feel like I need to take better control of my life, like by eating better, and stop making horrible eating choices, which include not eating. Does anyone know some awesome vegetarian recipes that are simple for the kitchen handicapped person? *Points finger at myself* I mean, I have trouble roasting simple vegetables. I burnt spaghetti squash the other day, and according to my friend, that’s not quite normal. (He was all, “whaat? I knew it!”)

I know I have a bright future, and I’m going to make damn sure that I do my best to live for it. Like anyone else, I’m just having a bad day…right? But I hope that I don’t come off as too self-centered and whiny to you readers. I know that there are some people that are off worst than me. It’s just that I feel so alone in this, even though I have some of the best people in the world behind me, people who would do anything for me. Despite this, I have to be honest that I am jealous of the fact not many people my age have to go through with this. The disease is rare as is and to have it target someone like me just pisses me off. Sometimes I would be like, “I don’t want this life lesson! It’s too hard and scary!” Ugh. Just another post of me complaining, right? Maybe I should talk about my job at Walmart instead.

So, I work in the toys department. That means crazy kids go there and parents use this department as the “babysitting” section of the store. Therefore, I have a lot to clean up because sometimes parents join in the fun too, and they don’t clean up after themselves. The other day I had a kid on a charged quad chase me and screaming while his parents didn’t do anything (hello, parent your kid!). Then, this awesome preteen handed me warm bacon and told me to enjoy it. Despite what I said, it’s quite entertaining and it’s a good job for me because it’s not stressful. It also is good for me because I’m a pretty obsessive organizer of things. Plus, it at least distracts me from bad thoughts (though they do creep in from time to time).

This was just a post to keep you updated! I’m still deciding between two universities to return to next fall. I am not going to give up on my medicine career. I refuse to believe that this life lesson happened for no reason.

Surviving to living, and gratitude

My radiation treatments will end on Monday. I’m so scared, because as morbid as this sounds, the treatments provided me with a means of security and routine, something that I really need right now. However, life’s road is for walking forward and so I am therefore shoved ahead to see what the next part of my cancer journey is. The chemo I will have to continue on for a year, but it’s not so bad as it’s in portable pill form.

I consider the “radiation chapter” of my cancer journey to be the surviving part of the road because of the routine and security it provides me. I don’t have to think about what I should do on weekdays because I’d just get up and go to radiation. My entire world revolves around radiation. However, I’m getting butterflies just thinking about what lies ahead after this chapter is finished. This is like, big, man. I get to return to my normal life after this.

But what the hell is normal?

My entire life, routine has been my normalcy. Piano lessons, band, studying, homework, etc. However, that was before I was diagnosed with brain cancer. What’s my life like going to be now? Will it revolve around set MRI scans? (which, by the way, I absolutely hate and loathe MRI scans). I know I’ll never be the same again, and looking back, I think I’m glad that I’ve changed because I think it’s for the better. I have a greater appreciation of life I never thought possible. It’s like I woke up and I realized, wow, this world is so amazing.  So, here I present you a list of all the things I’m grateful for!

1. My parents
   I’ve been lucky enough to have a mom and dad who has put my brother and I first all my life. I’ve lived for 19 years taking it for granted mostly. My mom has never held a steady job because her mind was always on us wondering if we were okay when she wasn’t there. Luckily, she didn’t have to work and my dad encouraged her to be a homemaker so that she can raise us in the most nurturing environment possible. It was my dad who has held up my family in terms of income, and we’re living a humble, comfortable middle-class life. Despite the fact that I’ve been sheltered and overprotected by my parents, I think it’s completely sweet now on how they’ve protected me. For instance, ever since I was diagnosed with my cancer, my dad swore to me that he’ll be there for me forever. I’m not a mother yet, but I think I understand the concept of unconditional love better now. I used to be indifferent to love, but ever since I’ve been diagnosed, I realized how much I crave and feed on it from my friends and family. You can say I’ve been “softened up,” but I don’t mind at all! I like being human – not some studious robot freak. 
2. My lack of side effects from treatment
   I don’t think that you get this claim of cancer treatment much. I’m on radiation and chemotherapy right now, but the only side effect is my hair loss of where they’re shooting my radiation. Thank God they didn’t put me on steroids for swelling, because I would not like the side effect of constipation. I thank God everyday for this because my appetite is great, and I have red color in my cheeks. I also don’t get tired from the treatments either, so I just carry on like any normal person everyday. I definitely have God watching over me, or some angel. I still go on 8 km walks when I can (ever since my seizure from running, I’ve been scared to try again). To be honest, I feel better now than before I had cancer. Again, thank God, because, this to me, is a miracle. My oncologist is glad that he’s seeing me healthy like this. I could’ve had massive headaches, seizures, nausea, fatigue and anything else not on the list, but I flew through this chapter.
3. My Aunt Kelly
   I don’t know how many people have the privilege of having someone like my Aunt Kelly in their lives. She runs business in South Africa, but the moment she heard that they found my brain tumor, she immediately booked a flight from South Africa to Canada to be here for my surgery. It was she who came into the holding room before my brain surgery. In Chinese, if you click with someone well, as in a special connection, it is said you have yuan with that person. Aunt Kelly and I have a very strong yuan. When we were awaiting the tumor’s pathology results, she was willing to extend her flight ticket to see it with me. When we found out, she had to go back to tend to her business in Africa, but she booked another flight to be with me for two months to be with me for my radiation treatment. She will be back in South Africa in November, so I will not look forward to that.
4. My friends
   I have the most amazing friends in the world. The moment I told them, they came to my aid! We made plans to see Europe together, and they’ve been coming up to see me to chill with me. Without them, I wouldn’t be able to top the number of times I smile now!  I’m so grateful. When you announce your cancer, you really see who your true friends are, and I have the luck of knowing and having such great people in my life. I mean, my supply of cheese and chocolate is currently endless (though I’m not supposed to be consuming these, so I limit to like once a month.) 
5. My life
   I am grateful to be alive, and breathing. I don’t take a day for granted because I know that there might not be another day. I try to acknowledge and pray to God everyday letting him know that how grateful I am. It’s amazing what I’m learning in this journey. I’ve met so many amazing people as a result of cancer, and I can’t tell you how much more to life there is than what the Average Joe presumes. Money doesn’t buy you happiness, and materialistic means of happiness has its limits. I don’t want anything more than what’s in front of me. I have everything, even though I’m a broke student right now. To those who think that cancer is a death sentence, it’s not.  I’ve written and emphasized numerous times why cancer is actually a gift of life.
6. I’m grateful for me
   This whole journey has shown me what kind of person I truly am. I now realize that I can handle a lot more than most people can, and that I am strong. I take pride in my courage of being able to fight this and I’m so proud to be me. This is not meant to be narcissistic, but I think that everyone should take two steps back and look into the mirror and say to themselves, “this is who I am. I am enough, and I am gorgeous just the way God/nature made me. I don’t need to be more or less.” I’ve never been happier than now, and I think I’ve discovered why. I’m at the point of where I’m recognizing and reconciling with all my flaws and insecurities and realizing that yes, these attributes are what makes me me. I am enough. And everything that life is throwing at me now only makes me more unique, and… perfect.